Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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