My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
