Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
