laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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