Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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