Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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