I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
