is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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