I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
