Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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