She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
In other news, I just burned my penis
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
