wrigley field is MILF paradise
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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