He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
