my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
