I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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