Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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