my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
