One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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