I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
