Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
