My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
