he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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