get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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