Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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