I've blown a few things in my day
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
me + whiskey = a bad person
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
