Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
