I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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