Michael Bay diarrhea
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
