so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize