just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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