Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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