I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
