Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
