Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
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Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
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At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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