tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
