just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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