shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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