tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
