i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
