Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
