Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
