apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
