My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
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