I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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