OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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