She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
