I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
