Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My bed smells like the plague
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
