Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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