Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
