I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
