I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
