From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I queefed so loud it echoed.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
