Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
