how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
