thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
